I hate being a woman. The only time I ever utter these words is when I get a visit from my ant flo, have to bust out the mickey mouse mattresses and begin to surf the crimson wave. I sincerely hate life right now. I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I don’t want to do any work. I am a hateful person. Usually, I never PMS. I am just so depressive before it comes that I think about strangling myself with my hipster scarves. I am never mean when I am on my period, but this time, yeah I’m mean. I’m mean because I can’t walk two steps from my bed without doubling over in pain. At first I thought it was because I ate dumpster bread with brie cheese last night (honestly if you went to my school, you wouldn’t be so grossed out. I’ll have one of my hippie, eco-friendly dumpster diving friends explain this to you. I was saving the frickin’ environment! Give me a break!). Anyway, I thought it was because I ate some bad bread and brie, but then the pains moved to my back, and they persisted all night. It was so bad that I kept having dreams about searching for pain meds. Which in some ways is good because I didnt have enough time to have those awkward makeout dreams I have been having about that hot guy in my class. I have too much to do, and too little mobility. What’s worse is that I wont be able to make it to Senior Sem. class. My teacher is NOT going to be happy… Because I am having so much pain, I am also extremely body conscious. This reminds me of how fat I am. I grab my belly and cry because not only does it hurt, but it is also 90% fat. And that stupid lavendar Gypsy Tea of my roommate’s was disgusting! I couldn’t even drink enough down to settle my stomach. Today is just a gray day… But tomorrow is another chance to get it right. Tomorrow I will get up and do my hair. I will eat non-recycled food, I will be able to walk a couple of feet without screaming out in pain, I will do some sit-ups, I will go to class, I will go to work, and I will do my best. I just have to make it through this awful day. If I can resist my hipster scarves…
I have too many accounts!!!!! I have a facebook, tumblr, pinterest, 2 emails, amazon, bank, itunes, quizlet, blogspot, stumbleupon, youtube, goodreads, studyblue, and 2 skype accounts. All with different passwords. This is why I take 5 minutes to just open up an email if it is not on “remember this” mode.
“Did I make this password using my old pet’s name? Was it the first pet or second one? Oh well…”
So I visited my friend today, and I had a bunch of conversations about my life since I’ve seen her. While catching up, we had some discussions on our personal lives, love lives, etc. Somehow I forgot to mention I have recently became a vegetarian… She offered me some chicken salad and I didn’t want to be rude, even though I totally didn’t have the appetite for it… So I ate it. Afterwards I began to feel a bit weird… After a couple of minutes I had to run to the bathroom sick as a dog. When I came back, sipping a ginger ale, I explained that I don’t eat meat now… Why was that so hard for me to say? Why was I so ready to make room and eat something I didn’t want even if it made me uncomfortable? I felt so foolish when my friend scolded me about it, but it really made me think. I am not sure if this is the first time I have tried to please others so much that I have made myself sick. Those other times have just been internal sickness…
Okay so I am extremely excited about a new line that is coming out for Torrid. I am not always 100% on board with their fashions, but right now I am extremely excited about the collection above. One of the coolest parts is right now they are featuring a really great model, Tara Lynn. All of her work shows an extremely daring and sexy aspect and gives true fashion inspiration.
There are too many times in which plus-size fashion includes extremely ugly clothing. I am not sure if anyone out there in the world of plus-sized women agrees with me, but oftentimes I find myself paying exhorbitant amounts of money on something looks like I clown sewed it as a cruel joke. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that? I am plus-sized.
Quick side bar: [We as plus-sized women really need to find a new word for ourselves. At first I thought that all the models who want to just be called models and not “plus-size” models were being picky, but now when I keep saying it and declare it on myself it sounds a bit like a tampon…]
Anyway, as I was saying I really hate shopping because of that. There are so many HUGE malls that have so many stores with so many cute fashions, and then you realize that there are NO larger clothes. It sucks! So you are wandering around a plus-size mall with no plus-size clothes. You lose all hope until… “OMG! There it is! a whole store for women like me! no! it can’t be so! Wait… Yes. Yes it is real!” You walk into the store so excited to try on your cute clothes saying, “Who says skinny girls are the only ones who can look good!” Then you run into this.
Let me tell you about this ladies. This is the ambiguous blouse. You don’t know how to feel about this, so you go through different stages. This is very similar to the Kübler-Ross model.
- Denial — “I feel fine.”; “This can’t be happening, not to me.” Or in other words, “This isn’t that ugly. They would never make my plus-sized self walk around this plus-sized mall all day only to find this tiny store with ugly shirt.”
- Anger — “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; ‘“Who is to blame?”
Or in other words? “Why did I have to be plus-sized? Why cant I just eat like a normal person instead of eating a whole pint of Ben and Jerry’s by myself during Gilmore Girls marathons? They eat a lot on that show and neither of them gain any weight! Who can I blame? SKINNY GIRLS! F you, skinny girls! and F your little Forever 21!” - Bargaining — “I’ll do anything for a few more years.”; “I will give my life savings if…”
Or in other words, “Okay so maybe its not that bad, I bet it would be cute if I put a turtleneck sweater over it.” - Depression — “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?” Or in other words, “I am never going to be pretty. Why do I even go to the mall?” Looking to your shopping partner, “How do even put up with me?” Shopping partner just smiles and shakes his/her’s head (secretly wondering the same thing).
- Acceptance — “It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.”
Or in other words, “Well, I can make this work. Yes I hate it, but one day I am going to hate it less.”
No More, I Say! NO MORE! I am tired of sacrificing style for sanity. I am positive the reason I don’t look fantastic on a regular basis is because half of my wardrobe is made up of hopefuls that have made it through these stages of grief. What I have realized over the years is that the grief is not over the way that I look, I am grieving because I just lost fashion in those moments. I have just spent another dollar on something that doesn’t make me feel sexy.
So from now on, I promise to take reasonible risks with my fashion purchases, but never buy another played out, ambiguous blouse.
-RB
I am an English Writing major. I don’t really have any traditional interest in the English Writing field. I don’t want to be a teacher, and I think that if I had to live off of my writing I would well… die. So these facts are pretty troubling as I look at my post-college future, considering I graduate in 2012 (hopefully). I have been putting out some feelers for internships and small positions so that I can do something and make a little money while I figure out what to do with my life. In the meantime, I decided to take some steps toward becoming a successful career woman.
My perfect first step towards getting a job is: Dressing for success. You ask, what is the first item that I bought? A briefcase. I thought about my last internship. While I was extremely professional and only color coded my boss’ envelopes pink ONE TIME, I carried around a billabong backpack and wore TOMS. I wasn’t exactly a sore thumb, but I definitely wasn’t boardroom ready. Now I know better, and the next item on the list is a respectable, yet youthful pantsuit…
